bunch of nonsense

i think, therefore I am (an RN)

love letters… Setyembre 26, 2008

Filed under: english alphabet,food for the thought,for the record,tear jerker — nixinne @ 9:18 hapon

it always makes me cry…i love reading them even if it is not written for me..it alwasy seems to me that it is a reminder of undying love that is retained in a letter. Never in reality that what is said in a letter will hold forever and ever. i guess that is why i like it. it retains the purity of the mind and heart of the writer during those moments…

here are some examples of them…

Dear Holly, I don’t have much time. I don’t mean literally, I mean you’re out buying ice cream and you’ll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn’t to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It’s to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful… literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you’re sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you’ll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I’m a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I’m just one chapter in yours. There’ll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don’t be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you

(Excerpt from : PS I Love You [the movie])

—————————————————————————

i still have to write down the letter of garett to theresa on the book “message in a bottle”…that also made me cry…

Advertisements
 

Bessy Abril 17, 2007

ChicoIt’s my bessy’s birthday today. I just want to wish him a Happy Birthday and a million more years to come. I also wanted to let everybody know how much he made my life easier just by being there to listen.. and helping me with blogging, getting me a laptop when i really needed it the most, lending me a shoulder to cry on whenever i have a heartache, setting up and organizing my gmail, helping my mom fix her computer even though i am seven hundred miles away, discussing my very shallow knowledge of philosophy, by helping me question the abstracts of life and by realizing my potentials…

There are a lot more things that he has done for me that i have not mentioned but am very thankful for…but most of all, i just wanted to thank him for being a very good friend that he is…

 

i will never ever forget that day that he wrote me a note that he considered me one of his best friends. It was a priviledge to be one of them. I will never ever forget him and he will always be in my heart and in my thoughts. I am honored that he chose me to be his “bessy”, i will treasure that till the end of time…

 

I just wish he’ll found the happiness and contentment that he wants, nothing less than he deserves…

 

He is one of a kind, generous, forgiving, patient, loyal, intelligent and a great friend, brother, cousin, nephew, etc to all those people he touched with his mind and heart. He has a heart of gold, a soul of truth and a mind of a true philosopher…

 

To CHICO…May you have a great birthday today and may you have many more years to come. please do not get tired of reading whatever you read everyday, it always makes you sound so smart…he he he! Do not stop blogging because you make a difference in this world with your words of wisdom. Please do not get tired of my nonsense dialogues with you especially if the topic is mike and my son. I thank you for being there for me all this time. I promise to be here for you whenever you need me. I really dont know what i would have done on those times that i came to you so i could cry nonstop because of a love that is lost and all the other things that cannot be described by words. Youre truly a special friend…I missed you so much (since we are several states apart) and do not forget that i love you!!! Take care always…

 

ang litrato Abril 16, 2007

Filed under: my immortal life,onli pinoy ken rid dis,tear jerker — nixinne @ 7:53 hapon

binuksan ko ang aming mailbox bago ako pumasok sa kotse. papunta na kasi ako sa trabaho. matagal kong hinintay ang pagdating ng sulat na galing sa pilipinas. si che-che ang sumulat sa card pero ang mga litrato ang una kong kinulimbat mula sa sobre.

dalawang litrato ang nakita ko. ang unang litrato ay si che-che sa kanyang wedding gown, ang kanyang anak, at ang aking anak na si gabriel. “nakakatuwa naman!” sa isip-isip ko. naisip ko rin na napakasaya naman nilang tignan. araw kasi ng kasal ni che-che. nakangiti pa akong sinilip ang pangalawang litrato pero hindi ko inaasahan ang emosyong pumalaot sa kaloob-looban ng aking puso at pagkatao.

ang pangalawang litrato ay ang wedding picture nina che-che at nino kasama ng kanilang mga magulang at mga anak. si nino ay ang ama ng aking anak. alam ko naman ang kanilang pagpapakasal. hindi ba’t ako pa nga ang nangungulit sa kanila na magpatali na sa isa’t isa para matahimik na rin at maiayos ang kanilang mga anak?

tinignan kong mabuti ang litrato. natuon ang aking pansin sa groom na nakasuot ng barong tagalog. matikas ang kanyang pagkakatindig at napakasimple ng kanyang pagkakangiti. naramdaman ko na parang may kumurot sa aking puso. tumingin ako sa bintana ng aking kotse upang ipasantabi ang inaakala kong pagkakamali ng aking nararamdaman. muli kong sinulyapan ang litrato at muli akong dinala ng aking mga mata sa kanyang mukha. ang mukha ng aking unang pag-ibig. biglang bumuhos sa aking alaala ang aking nakaraan. ang aking nakaraan na umikot sa kanya. naalala ko ang pitong taon naming pagsasama. ang mga masasayang sandali, ang mga pagpapasakit, ang mga paghihirap at ang aming pag-iibigan na una niyang tinalikuran.

(more…)

 

ano nga ba ang tama? Marso 20, 2007

Filed under: my immortal life,onli pinoy ken rid dis,tear jerker — nixinne @ 12:16 hapon

grabe ang kabagalan ng process sa immigration. inabot na ng dalawang taon ang ang pag preoseso ng application ko para mapalitan ang wrong entry nila sa green card ko. habang tinatagaln nila ang pag proseso, natatagalan din ang pag apply ko ng citizenship ko. kung tutuusin, hindi naman ako nagmamadali na maging us citizen, pinoy ako eh. kung puwede nga lang ba an hindi na, kaso may bubwit ako na umaasang magkakasama kami itong mga darating na taon. hind na siya bumabata. mag-sasampuing taon na nga eh, kaya mas kailangan na mapabilis ang pagiging citizen ko.

nag-usap kami ni mike nugn isang araw at alam niya kung gaano ako kalungkot na hindi ko nakakasama ang anak ko. nahahawa na rin yata sa akin at siguro dahil kahit paano nakapag-bonding sila nung bumisita kami ni mike as pinas last year, e, nagtanong kung ano ba ang mabilis na paraan para makuha namin si atong. sabi ko, pag naging citizen na ako, mas mabilis na ang proseso. kahit kailan hindi ko inasam na maging citizen sa pamamagitan ng kasal, lalo na kung iyon lang ang dahilan. matigas ang loob ko pagdating sa gnayan. matagal na akong kinukulit ng mommmy ko na magpakasal para lang mapadali ang pagiging citizen ko pero ako ang umaayaw at pinaka ayoko na sa akin pa manggagaling ang mga katagang “pakasal tayo para sa convenience ko”. i want it because i love him and not because of anything else. pero kung may mangyayaring maganda dahil magpapakasal kami, e di bonus.

at yun nga, tinanong niya ako, medyo nag hehesitate pa nga dahil baka daw hindi ko magustuhan ang proposition niya na sa judge na lang muna kami mag-pakasal kapag hindi pa naayos ang visa ko by this july. may dream wedding kasi kami eh. sayang, gusto ko sanang mag-elaborate kaya alng it will spoil the surprise element para sa future guests namin. anyway, na-touch naman ang beauty ko. nag-arko muna ang kilay ko sabay sabing, “are you serious?” pero sabi nga niya, sure na naman kami na kami na talaga, it was just a matter of time and money kaya kami naghihintay. hindi nga ba, gusto na rin niyang magbahay-bahayan?

sa mga nakakakilala sa akin, mayroong time na wala na akong inisip kungdi ang maging bride – nang kahit na sino. pero naiba ang motto ko. naging ayaw kong maging bride ng kahit na sino. pero it wouldnt hurt naman siguro kung para din naman sa kapakanan ng anak ko. itatapon ko na lang ba ang prinsipyo ko? puwede siguro. nakakatakot mang isipin na magiging “wife” na lang ako if ever we push through this small event. na “double” na ako at hindi “single”. grabe, matatali na talaga ako sa iisang tao. kahit pa one man woman ako, para bang it is going to restrict the world of possibilities. ayoko pa naman ng divorce.

 

my heartache… Marso 17, 2007

Filed under: my immortal life,tear jerker — nixinne @ 10:05 umaga

last saturday, me and mike had a fight. it was awful. that was the first time i cried within the past year and a half. but we “kind of” settled in our differences since he said afterwards that “he found the person he would want to live with.” i hate to analyze simple words of men (except for chico’s) cause they usuall are unsubstantial. it is what it but i cannot help but to think if he was just saying that so i can calm down.

Last night i had this feeling again that he does not want to be with me. i’ll spare everybody the details but it creeped up in mind until i was bursting with anger. he came to bed and told me what i wanted to hear, as if he read my thoughts…that was scary. he played the part of what i wanted him to do without me telling him.

 

happiness and success: are they related? Pebrero 19, 2007

Filed under: english alphabet,my immortal life,tear jerker — nixinne @ 6:30 hapon

i was surfing the wordpress files and saw this site with this excerpt from it:

“Happy people do not experience one success after another and unhappy people, one failure after another. Instead, surveys show that happy and unhappy people tend to have had very similar life experiences. The difference is that the average unhappy person spends more than twice as much time thinking about unpleasant events in their lives, while happy people tend to seek and rely upon information that brightens their personal outlook.” ~ Lyubomirsky 1994.

Excerpt from “100 Simple Secrets of Happy People, The” by David Niven

(website visited: http://librarising.wordpress.com/)

i do have to agree with this one. when i was younger i have so much drama in my life and i spent everyday sulking on my bed or crying in my sleep, grieving on how bad my situation in life is. but after i was shown how to just be happy with everything that ive got, i started to become happier each day, no matter what the circumstance is. i just seem to forget how dreadful my day was and just went on and deal with the current events.

 

old letters Pebrero 6, 2007

Filed under: my immortal life,tear jerker — nixinne @ 10:08 umaga

damn, i remember this…from someone i thought i loved before

Grace,
You are a big coward.Youve just shattered all my dreams and hopes.And to do it all through e-mail?You have no idea how much I love you,and still up to now you dont know what you mean to me.What is it?another man?That I can understand.But the fact that youre breaking up with me because I am who I am?I dont believe that.Dont tell me no lies.Be true to me.I blame myself for losing you.I had dreams for us in a home with more kids.How much im missing you and how hard it is not to have you here.By reading your e-mail,I thought I was going to die.This is too much for me.Youve just taken my heart and stepped all over it.But if that is how you feel,whats left for me to do?I hate You for this.And im sure the whole family will blame me for this.Why things like this always happen to me?I guess im just not too good with emotions.I keep too much to myself rather than go all out.This maybe the reason why.I cant finish this letter,i dont know whatelse to say.Im emotionally disturbed,I cant sleep.The thought of you being gone,all these pictures of us surrounding me.I feel like a part of me just died.


and another one…this one hated me so much!

hey Kumusta na kayo,
I know this is lame, but i swear to god this is the exact last time i will
send u peepz, anything with details like these.
First and foremost, i wasn’t wrong at all, I kept all the things i hoped
for and the dreams that i try to follow, since me and Grace broke up, i kept
em’ all, and i hoped to god it will happen, and Its not a mistake, and its
wasn’t, i still loved you, and theres nothing wrong with still hoping, I
didn’t care how much it hurt, but deep down on my soul i was afraid of not
loving you anymore, so i kept my hope alive..
Since the day of May 29, i lived my life methodically. of course, it was
pretty basic and normal, even though your gone by my side, i still laughed
cryed, woke up, sleept like any regular human being alive would do.

Everybody that was always real and down with me, still rode with me, and
you werent there anymore Grace, everywhere i look everywhere i go, from
Greenwich to Norwalk, to NY to Bridgeport, places to places, Echos house to
Lazs house, to the birth of our first kiss at Corpuz’s house, all the places
we been through in the past, I went back there, Grace, without you this time,

I’m not blaming you for everything anymore, and i’m not blaming myself as
well, but you know me better than everybody Grace, my heart loves you,. and
its weak to love again. your head got big Grace. I still don’t fuckin know,
how the hell you live your life right now knowing you let someone who loves
you and would do anything for you go. but enough is enough, i’ll rather
forget about you now, than stay hurt and hope that you will love or care for
me again..

i told you so many times, when we were together, that IN MY FUCKIN WHOLE LIFE
I JUST WANTED TO HAVE ONE GIRL TO GROW OLD WITH, AND SHARE MY LIFE WITH, u
knew I choosed you, u FUCKIN SLUT, u made me believe u would stay and u were
the one. WELL FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU FUCK You, YOU LIED, pinaasa mo ako, your
wrong, your the biggest loser i know, BACK stabber, wipe that fuckin smile
off your face, i swear to you that i will leave you alone now, For Fuckin
ever, you can stick you and 253 7813 where the sun don’t shine up your fuckin
shaved vagina. cuz i don’t want that shit anymore.
and i’m not calling your stupid ass no more. why should i call you anyways,
what so i have to hear that big ass mouth of yours have pms over and over
again, i hate you, i swear to god i will hate you my whole life now. don’t
even fuckin look at me, if u see me. u want your life back huh, i never took
that shit in the first place. you can have your life back, but know this, you
can live the rest of your life, knowing somebody named J to double P, hating
you and hating you and hating you. u see i use to think that your higher than
an angel but now, i think your lower than shit. u don’t deserve to be
loved… Go run back to your crackhead boyfriend in the phills, have a 3 some
with him and his other slutty girlfriend there… oh yeah if you wanna show
your mom this email again, like u made her talk to me, this morning. guess
what, Mrs Gloria Mackey, i will gladly leave your slutty daughter alone now,
and i’m not young i’m almost 21, i’ll be chillen in bars and clubs soon,
unlike Miss 17 year old there, your fuckin daughter is lower than shit, i know u don’t really care about your daugters personal life, but she
smokes Malboro menthols all the time. haha, and she should be ashamed that
she lied to my parents about everything about her. also all those times that
she lied to you and said she was gonna to work or study, she went out with me
instead, and stayed at my house till like 2 am, u should be taking care of
that girl, after all even though shes 23, shes the most uncaring, person, in
the world, she does not give a fuck, no she doesn’t, shes so careless and
ignorant about herself, she only listens to herself and nobody else, i bet
she lies to you more than she lied to me.. palayasin nyo na yan garbage na
yan….. I love this email so much, that i’m even lettin my parents read
it…

So this is what I ask of all my fans
If you ever see grace, whoop her ass, hit her with sticks, bricks, rocks,
throw shit at her, Kick her, spit on her, treat her like a hoe, bitch-slap
her,
Do it for me, do it for Fred, do it for Limp bizkit
Do it for Ate Liz, do it for Nino, do it for her mom
Do it for Atong, do it for my family, do it just to do it, fuck it
sHe’s a bitch, she ain’t gon’ hit you back, she’s nothin!

Fuck her, that’s it, i’m done, i promise, i’m done, that’s it, I’m sorry, I’m
sorry, i’m sorry, i promise
I just believe in kickin in somebody while they don’t do shit back, God damn!
I quit.. ilibing nang buhay, ang lahat ng social …..

Don’t ever say, i’m a kiss and tell again, cuz you don’t have the right no
mo,
and don’t call me, echo, laz or anybody in the kooL Catz or the flipz,
kissin our ass, cyin like a little baby…fuck you, u never cared about
anybody, all u care about is how good u look, and how people thinks about
you…………

hahahahahahhahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaa

aaaaaaahaha, i may be evil and immature now, but fuck it, i’ll rather be that
than to be sad and pretending i’m trying to get stronger… thankz for fuckin
Eminem, for the influence.

i think i’m finally through with you,
I’m just daring you to say sumthin back

one more thing i ain’t regreting none of this shiet..

I’m Outz, i’ll see you all later in life…………..

i found one blog of this guy and here is what he tells about me 3 years later after our break up…

Exactly 3 years to this very day. May 28th 2001 as i remember there was a person who likes to call herself Nixine back those days, i was rolling with that girl 24/7 none stop, well thats the first ever person who met me. there’s a part of that person that made me the happiest sweetest person in the world. people would come up to me and tell me “damn, that girl is the best thing that ever happaned to you”. But it was also that person who brought the other side of me in this world. i never felt anger and depression my whole life since that time. never once since then that i didn’t get what i wanted. as much as i wanted it to that side of me that person saw first never left me at all. These days &5$ needs to avoid being near that girl but &^%H&&^T& really hates that girl more than anybody always did always will,.. now she goes by the nickname Nixinne with the double n, oh well maybe she has her own issues like mines but who knows. difinitely not me.