bunch of nonsense

i think, therefore I am (an RN)

being a writer in a notebook Pebrero 12, 2005

Filed under: english alphabet,food for the thought,my immortal life,tear jerker — nixinne @ 6:38 umaga

have you ever felt that you’ve met the one person that you will love forever?

after watching the movie “the notebook” based on the best selling novel of nicholas sparks, i asked this question to myself over and over again that compelled me to write what i think…and feel.

twenty seven years of my life has passed and i am still searching. for what, i really could not tell. i feel my life is meaningless without love but what IS love?

too many questions to answer but it truly comes down to one point. i feel empty. i feel alone. i do not feel complete. men that i have come to know and allegedly “loved” came and went like pages that have been turned and read, just embedded to my bank of memories.

each and every man that i thought i loved before were special in their own ways. i cherish their memories because i could not possibly be what i am today without all the experiences that i’ve had with them. it is hard to realize that all the passion and the feelings that i had for them were just lives that i wanted to have. not what i truly feel.

…..

after being with jay ar for a year and a half, i finally realized that he was too young for me and is not ready for any responsiblities in a relationship. he has plans and i could not wait. i was an impossible long distance relationship that neither of us has the courage to continue although we tried hard to fight for it.

i decided to call it quits, otherwise known as breaking up. it was painful on the first two days but just like everybody else that i have broken up with, i went on to my life on the third day. It is like christ’s resurrection from the dead. “on the third day he rose again”. that is what i felt. i felt revived, freed from something that was not supposed to be. like always…

i started dating through friends. did not work out well of course. either they are too arrogant or just plain…plain. then went on to meeting people on bars and lounges. first day of trying to meet people to date, i dropped the possibility of actually meeting a guy that i would at least try and go out with. so dating through bars went down to the drain. finally, as with all the people who either does not have time to meet people because of such busy schedule or just have so much time in their hands that they spent all of it infront of a computer, i did the unthinkable (well, at least for some people), i went to post a profile for internet dating. i said “what the heck! i meet crazy people outside the net, why not make it simpler and meet people through online personals?”. i thought at least on the internet i get to pick which ones looks physically attractive. Silly me. i got myself into situations that i didnt think was possible in dating. the best thing was i never compromised myself into any of these guys because i could only do one dinner date and would be able to tell if we are going to “click” or not. in short, if we have a spark or at least commonalities on our personality. so time went by and so are the men of match.com. theyre tall, short, interesting, arrogant, foolish or just boring. i made lots of friends and a few bitter enemies. that was the time i told myself that its time to drop the dating goal and just go with the flow. as i always post on my yahoo messenger after the dating disasters that i had, ill stop paddling on the river and just let the boat float to anyplace that will lead me into.

then i met mike.

it was one of those boring days of my boring life. on the first week of april, surfing in match dot com was just a fun place to meet interesting people. the goal of dating was out of my mind at this point. hell, i just needed to know what other people do outside the walls that i knew and lived on for several years. i initiated conversation to several interesting and good looking men from new york city. several people actually talked to me instantly and i was preoccupied for a couple of hours or so, not minding the others who did not respond immediately. an instant message came up on the screen saying hello and saying that he was replying from my orginal message. took a glance at his profile and thought, “hmm, not bad”. i looked at his picture and saw his blue eyes and captivating smile. i was hooked. i read the whole profile and thought he is an interesting person. soon, we were talking about beers, cooking and travelling. but i had friends to go out with that night so i had to say goodbye thinking that he is going to be one of those guys that i will talk to once and forget the next day.

well, we talked again.

just like the boring day that i met him online, i was home after a day of goofing around with friends and i was hungry. i wanted to have fun and have dinner in new york city. and there was mike, living at the heart of new york city. we agreed into eating dinner, not for the sake of meeting or dating but just because we were both hungry. it was fun and adventurous. i figured i was dressed anyway so i will go and hang out for a while in new york city.

we agreed to meet at grand central station.

i hopped in my car, drove to the stamford train station and caught the 7:55pm train to grand central. i was not nervous at all. i was pretty excited that i will be roaming the streets of new york city again. i was hungry too. i wasn’t even thinking of mike or what he looks like. for me he was just one of those guys that i will meet for one time, probably twice if he was nice enough. at last, i was at grand central station. i was looking for a guy with a leather jacket. afterall, it was new york city and everybody wears leather jacket on winter time. i ws quite earl y apparently and he was lost. a new yorker lost in new york city. it was funny.

a tall guy with eyeglasses and of course, a leather jacket, came up to me and introduced himself. i said to myself, “he kind of looks different in the picture but he certainly is cute and a little bit nerdy” (the eyeglasses gave me that impression). i was a nerd too before so i did not mind. he does not look like an axe murderer so i thought it was alright. we tried and catch a train to chinatown for chinese food dinner. we talked and joked around the subway, especially about his veins that i oh so loved because of the IV potential. it was hilarious cause he was afraid of needles. we went and ate at a soho mexican restaurant instead because all the chinese restaurants in chinatown are closed. i had a great time. we ate a fabulous meal and drank red wine. we talked for the entire time. but then i had to leave. i had to work the next day and i didnt want to be too tired. We walked back to grand central station. five minutes early for my ride but mike persuaded me to stay for a bit and catch the next train instead. i agreed since he offered a taste of apple martini at cipriani dolci. it was awesome. and so was our conversation. we parted ways on the train gate, exchanging phone numbers. at that point i was hoping he would call me to at least hang out. he is a funny guy with a great friendly personality. i liked him. i really did. he was one of the normal guys i met through match but he certainly has a way to make himself mysterious in a way.

so the next day came which was an easter sunday. i had dinner with mom and family. after dinner, it was time for me to do my routine check on ym email late at night. i caught mr blue eyes still online and remembered how nice he was and how delicious that apple martini was. i was hooked. i need to have more. of the apple martini or mike, i was not quite sure. i was going to go out and have a drink just so to satisfy my craving for a drink hoping that he would get the hint and invite me over again to new york. he did take the bait and offered to accompany me if i wanted to come down in new york. by midnight, i was in grand central station, walking with mike to the nearest bar. but alas! we could not find any cause it was a sunday. so we found ourselves in broadway (or was it 8th avenue) and saw a diner that was open at 2 in the morning. as like the previous dinner, we had an excellent time. he taught me a lot about wine and dining. it was an interesting evening especially after i broke a wine glass. the waitress hurriedly came over to our table. i thought she’s just gonna take my broken glass but she halted and exclaimed, “you’re going to get married!” i was stunned. looking back and forth between the waitress and mike. thinking that that comment might scare a nice person away from a nice dinner, i bolted out “do you have anything that i can break to break the curse?”. it was funny but i was seriously saying that fro one reason. i do not know why but i did not want mike to think i was out to marry him. i aws having fun. i was enjoying this persons’ company. i wouldnt let a superstitous belief ruin a good evening (or morning, it was two in the morning)) with him. but i wouldnt deny it, i felt it. i felt something different. i felt it was the right thing to do. i felt it was him. i looked into his blue eyes and saw a whole new world waiting to be discovered. i know how it was going to be but i took it.

after the diner, we were walking around till we get to see his apartment. he offered to make a wonderful blue martini and a couch for me to sleep into. i took the offer and enjoyed not only the blue amrtini and the couch but also his company. we were talking till the break of dawn.

after that night, we went out again and again, not just by ourselves but with other people. we did not think were dating. fro both of us, we were just hanging out. even i was in denial of what was going on between us. we just like hanging out with each other even with other people around. i met people here and there, became very addictive to the new york life and to the life i have never known before i met mike. we remained friends. for a few weeks…

the first kiss. of course there will be a first kiss. as would everybody would know. i ddint care if i sleep with a guy on one room. it doesnt matter to me what others think czuse i know what is happening behind those closed doors. nothing. i dont let myself intimidated or enticed by mere sex. i dotn want sex if it is just for the mere “fun” of it. so it goes wihtout saying that i usually sleep over mike’s apartment in new york whenever i go out in the city. one night we were watching the ring, and i lsept ont he side of his bed. and the next night i was on the other side of his bed. and the next beside him. he was drawing me closer to him evertime i see him, not only physically but emotionally although i dont let myself get on with it cause i was afraid. that night beside him was great, we just hugged each other till we slept. when i woke up, it was time for me to go to work. i looked at him and said to myself, “i want to kiss him”. and i did. it was a very solemn kiss. it felt great and sincere.

he invited me to pennsylvania, were he lived, a few weeks after we’ve met. i met tony, his housemate. and we were questioned. it was a funny scene. as always, i might add, we wre in the kitchen and tony asked us when we started dating. we were looking at each other, dont know what to say. adn we just said that we met a few weeks back. but i thought it opened our eyes to what we truly are at that time. we were dating. as funny as it may sound coz we didnt really have a date except that three dinners when we first met that weekend of april.

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